Life Never Goes As Plan
I don't know why, but lately I have been just so fustrated with life. Why may you ask? Because I am 29 years old and still going to college. It isn't because of my grades because I have been getting straight As. Its because I keep getting slammed with one health problem after another. I look at jobs that are opening up that I could get if I had a degree. I am not able to work and go to school. What I am terrified is graduating from college and not being able to find a good paying job that works with my health condition. This is my biggest fear! This is because I have collected six years of interest rate on my Chase loan, Sallie Mae Loan, Firstmark and three others which so far adds up to over $109,000. How the hell am I going to pay this? I only took out $56,900. I have two more years left before I get my Bachlors degree. Going to film school is great, but its alot of hardwork. I am not saying regular business schools, or other degrees aren't hard, but with film you have to spend 14 hours on set. Plus, it seems like you are constantly having to travel. Tons of set-ups and tear downs. I am mainly a line producer, so I have to follow everyone and make sure they are doing their job right and on time. I can't work and do school, it just doesn't work with my RSD/CRPS.
Okay I have my school loan and then I have to add doctors, prescriptions, nerve block procedures, and my health insurance costs to that. Every month I spend (or should I say my parents) over $800.
Then I have to pay insurance on my car.
I have two cats that also have health problems. Don't you dare say "you could get rid of them." They are my kids and they help me get through a lot of rough times with my health.
Being on a gluten-free diet creates more costs. Gluten-Free food is expensive. It is getting better than 15 years ago, but it is still expensive.
I love my parents dearly, but I don't want to live with them forever. I would like to get my own place, but that cost money.
When I move into an apartment I still need high speed internet for my editing software and uploading my youtube videos. I can't not have Netflix and Cable because when I have RSD/CRPS flares that is the only thing that will keep my mind occupied. There is no way I can watch a dvd over and over again in the same week. Plus you have to get up put the DVD in the player and sit back down. I know what you are thinking, "she is lazy", no when you have RSD/CRPS every little movement causes severe pain. So every 1-2 hours I would have to get up and deal with the DVD player. Plus, I only have so many movies to watch. You can't have Netflix without internet.
To be able to live comfortably I would have to make at least $5,000 a week. Where am I going to get that money? Maybe I could sell my organs, but then I only have so many to give up.
Then things that go through my mind. What if something happens to my parents? They are my support and helping hand.
I am terrified about getting a job because I will be going against people who are healthy and younger. Who will want someone who's inside is of a 90 year old. I guess in a job interview when the interviewer asks "what will you bring to this position?" I can answer: I will bring positive attitude, determination and a hard worker."
Life is very hard especially when you have been given the opportunity to possibly be cured of RSD but can't because you don't have $15,000. I will not let my parents use their retirement. They can't afford that. They don't have any money as it is. I would love to see my dad retire. He has a very hard labor job working as a metallurgist. I am going into a rant: When people who make $75,000 or more a year complain about how they don't have money I want to take a stick and beam them. I know someone who makes well over $200,000 a year and they complain they don't have money. I would love to see them live on less than $30,000 a year because that is what my parents and I live on.
It sucks, but I keep telling myself if I keep thinking postive maybe postive things will happen to me and my family. :)
I am a big believer on just taking it day by day, minute by minute because I am 100% believer that God is there for you and does help take care of you. When it comes down to it, it is important to trust that good things will come to you in the future even though your life just keeps getting worse. So far I will rant, be depressed and fustrated for a few minutes and then breath and make myself write out a list of postive things that are happening in my life.
My positives:
1. I'm a hard worker
2. I'm really good at organizing and being a line producer.
3. People may use me all the time, but that, I guess is a good thing because that means they trust me that I will do a good job.
4. I have amazing parents.
5. I have two amazing cats
6. I have a some amazing friends that are there for me.
7. I have a house .
8. I have a tv, computer and cable.
9. I have food in my kitchen.
10. I have received a few rewards.
11. I won a $20.00 gift card to New Deals store.
12. I found a Dicks Gift Card on the ground at Wendy's and it had $12.15 on it. I feel bad for the people who lost it though. I took it in and the woman at the desk said that most likely it will just end up in one of the employees pocket so I should just keep it. I tried calling Dicks to find out if there was a way to figure out who might have bought it. No luck.
13. I love to save money by cutting coupons and price shopping.
14. I have an amazing primary care doctor.
If for some reason you can't think of anything positive, here are some tips I use. First just start with:
Its Spring Time equals pretty flowers and sunny days.
There is always something that is positive in your life.
It is very hard not to dwell on the negatives, but I have learned its just a waste of energy and it doesn't make your life any better.
Keep in mind if you help others even if it is sending a military person a letter or going over to your local nursing home and playing a game with one of the residents. This will sure help you feel better about yourself and your life.
